|
|
 ♥ Mailing Address ♥
|
|
Send all your loves and hates to
Chew_Jing_Jie@hotmail.com
(Also Friendser & Facebook E-mail) |
|
♥ Good Reads ♥ *Please comment to be added/removed from this list
|
♥ Beauty and the Beast retold by JJ (part 1) ♥
3.31.2006
Now, all of us heard of the pretty and the ugly, the kind and the evil, the pure and the tainted fairytale BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. At least I hope so, if not, hope on to the nearest library, grab one and read.
Anyway, that's what the creator of that tale wish to show the pathetic children. And they live happily ever after. NO. NOT IN MY WORLD, NOT ON MY BLOG, MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.
You've read the dumb tale that describes Belle as the perfect woman, second to Cinderella =D. Don't ask me why but I like glass slippers and recently there's a appearance of glass bra. But have you pesky people EVER thought about how Belle felt? No? How the Beast felt? No? (note: I shall call him beast beast beast since I don't remember seeing IT with a name)
I shall begin my humble story (what? YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ON? BORING? Crap, go away then).
Once upon a time, not so long from our time (which is now you assholes), there lived a pretty girl named Belle. Now, now, Belle had two sisters, Ding and Dong. Together they are Ding, Dong, Belle. And their cat you ask? Well. Yes, it's name is well. (Ding dong bell, pussy in the well. Pussy as in cat).
Belle looks ordinary, except for a few pimples on her forehead, some blackheads populating her nose, crooked teeth, small eyes, oily hair, dirty fingernails. That's ordinary, comparing to the present society. She wore cheapskate trail slippers that goes "piak piak" as she brings her heavy butt down the stairs.
Belle (together with her sisters) has only her father. Mother died during the bubble tea craze, choked on 4 bubbles. And Belle's father, is an ordinary working class who carries hello kitty lunch boxes to work everyday. He owns a very respectable vehicle, a bicycle.
Belle did ALL the chores at home, while her sisters went for spa, facial, manicure, sliming, fattening, botoxing, and bla bla bla. One day, her father decided (out of the blue) to travel to some ulu ulu (deserted) island not far from where they were. For what? I guess he craved for coconut juice and expects nothing but the rawest and freshest.
Before he depart for death, he asked his three daughters what they would like. Since obviously this typical working class doesn't have much inheritance. Buzzer.
Ding said: I want the most glamourous dress made out of mermaid tail scales.
Father: I shall try, since you are dumb enough to request for such crazy item. I might as well play along.
Dong: I want the biggest diamond you can find father.
Father: You dumbass, I'm going to ulu ulu island! There's no diamonds there!
Belle: I just want a stalk of rose. ( I told you Belle is ORDINARY, TYPICAL AND BORING)
Father: Very well. Whoever said that flowers represent the female sex organ. Rubbish! Don't they know that there's MALE and FEMALE parts in a flower? DUMB ASSES.
And so he went off, in his rusty ol BMX bike. While he rode, the bicycle went "eeeeeek....orrrrrrrr......eeeeeeek.....orrrrrrr".
Being too poor to even get a boat ticket (ALL the money were spent on the two pretty bimbotic daughters of his), he swam right across. Lucky for him, heaven decided to storm up and put HUGE currents in the sea. Not so lucky for him, he went the wrong way and landed on island ooga ooga.
In short, puala oola.
He laid on the smelly beach, with plastic wrappers of mamee maggie mee and bottles of virgin. WOW, DID I TRAVEL BACK IN TIME?! He exclaimed. NOBODY drinks virgin now, it's as good as extincted!
With that, he collected all the plastic bottles, hoping to fetch at least 10 buck each for them. Afterwards, he decided to venture off into the deep jungle. We all know this fella is supposed to be chased by wolves and went into the Beast's lair right? Viola, only that NOW, I want hungry monkeys to chase him.
The monkeys jumped down from the trees and chased the fatso, he yelled. And he died on the spot, eated by the monkeys. The End.
YOU WISH!
He didn't die, but he was eaten alright, only the eyeballs. So he's blind. Why eyeballs you migh ask, BECAUSE I SAID SO AND I DON'T KNOW THE DIET OF AN AVERAGE WILD MONKEY, SO SHUT UP AND READ ON.
He groped (check dictionary, it doesn't always means putting your hand at the groin) his way around and felt somthing cool to his touch. And so he shouted: HELP!!!
The gates opened, and he crawled in. Once inside, he smelled pungent smell of rotting bananas. And as he crawled, he was covered in slimy liquid, like the feel of semen all over you when you...nevermind.
After much struggle, he reached inside the living room of the three room flat. Being blind, he can't see. And THOUGHT that he's lucky enough to be in an O so big private estate with a built in swimming pool and kiddy playpen.
Inside the 3-room flat, he heard funny voices, MANY voices. Coming from one corner. It went like this.
"Mistubishi electrics..bzz...bzz..."
"Catch LOST all new season ONLY on five"
"Next on survivor..."
And the faggot was HORRIFIED. AHH! THERE'S A MONSTER THAT CHANGES IT'S VOICE SO RANDOMLY (like someone I know. hmm).
Then other voices came in.
"bring him tea, quick"
"stool! Come squat where you're supposed to"
"Lava lamp, come closer, i can't see a thing. OH YOU FUCKING THING, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A LAMP AND YET YOU DON'T GIVE MUCH LIGHT!"
"SHUT UP TV I CAN'T CONCENTRATE"
Guess who's talking? Candle? NO. Teapot? NO. Clock? NO. Then what?
A freaking Canon A520 digital camera with scratches all over the screen.
Camera: HI, I'm the steward in this MANSION, you can call my cum.
Father: CUM?! Isn't that...
Cum: yes, yes i know. It isn't very clean is it. Things goes wrong with human tongues these days. First they can call you cam cam cam. One slip and they call you CUM.
Father: I see
and he groped around for anything near him. THERE. He got hold of something fresh, clean, fragrant. A ROSE.
Air freshener: You can call me freshener, since people always get fresh with me. =). And that thing you're holding, it's an artificial flower by the way. Fragrant? OH, it comes from my ass. I hate to admit it, but people love smelling my bottoms.
Belle's father was stunned, he didn't know such people with weird names exist. WORSE, he don't even know that they're not human!
Cos he's like our superstar champion TAN WEI LIAN.
What will happen to this old chang kee sotong head, will he be roasted? fried? stewed? Or simply microwaved?!
Yawns, continue another day ba. This? Yea it happens in little Singapore.
 Penned at 1:39 AM
|
